A pregnant pause

I am not getting pregnant.

This in itself is no cause for alarm. The rational part of my brain understands that these things take time and most healthy couples fall within six months.

What concerns me is the why. I saw the doctor this week and he ran some tests. I am having some female troubles.

Hubs is so positive and optimistic. He boosts me up, vowing to keep trying. He doesn't understand a woman's relationship to her body. I have known this body for a while now. I know something isn't quite right. The doctor wants to wait two more weeks then run more tests.

What if....

This all seems civilized and calm on the surface. I go about my business. I converse with friends, family and colleagues who don;t know we are "trying" let alone having troubles.

Inside of me I am silently panicking. The thought never quite leaves my consciousness, but is never fully spoken either.

What if I......


We have been so buy with work, hubs show, life in general. Everything ticks along as usual, and then I remember. I see a baby, and I think...

What if I can't.....


I was unsure about blogging this. This is the chronicle of my life and it would be unrealistic to ignore this element. Also, regardless of the result, I want to remember how I feel right at this moment.

A year from now  if  when I am holding my beautiful baby I want to remember the silent terror at the thought I may never meet him or her.  I want to value the blessing that is conceiving human life, and remember it is a gift and not a right.


For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.  Psalm 84:11 


Great Goddess, Empress Earth,
I pray you, help me to be fertile
I pray you, help me to be fruitful
I pray you, help me to conceive a healthy child
I ask this with all of my heart
I ask this with my body and soul
I ask this in the Lady's name
So be it! Blessed be!